


It was my fault anyway...

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John Winchester, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Parent John Winchester, Date Rape Drug/Roofies, Denial, Destiel not main focus, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Gen, Hurt Dean Winchester, No Wincest, Non-Canon Relationship, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, POV Dean Winchester, POV First Person, Past Rape/Non-con, Raped Dean Winchester, Sad with a Happy Ending, Time Skips, Young Winchesters (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-28
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-10-18 11:48:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17580251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Dean Winchester is a 21 year old watching his 17 year old brother while their father is away on a hunt. When the brothers get bored they decide to check out what looks like a haunting in the small town they are staying in. Dean gets raped and finds out that is isn't a hunt at all. This is much scarier and now he is one of the victims. When Sam insists on calling Bobby, Dean had to work double time to hide the damage that was done to him.~Timeskip~Dean Winchester is older now, and going to check out what his brother thinks might be a hunt in the same town that Dean was raped in all those years ago. This time Dean has his boyfriend, and resident angel, Castiel with him. When bad turns to worse and Dean realizes that this is the same man that raped him how will he hande it? Did he ever really deal with the trauma from his early adult years? Is this going to put a wedge in his and Castiel's relationship, or make them stronger?





	It was my fault anyway...

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: RAPE IS IN THIS STORY, NOT ON SCREEN. SOME OFFENSIVE WORDS ARE USED. SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. ETC.  
> You have been warned.  
> Also I do not own supernatural or any of the characters. Allen Ghostt is a fictional character and not in any way ment to be copywrited or made to be like a real person.  
> Thank you.

“Dean!” I hear Sam calling as he searches for me.

“Over here.” I rasp while trying to stop myself from shaking. _Damn do I hurt._ I look around to make sure that no one is standing in the alley of the bar other than me, and soon Sam. Sam knows that I was in a gay bar, he decided to go find the town gossips. We’re trying to get some information about what’s going on. Dad left us in this dumpy town and honestly, we got bored and found out about what I thought it was a haunting… _thought._

“Dean.” Sam breathes a sigh of relief when he sees me.

“Heya, Sammy.” I force a smile and feel myself still shaking a little. Sam furrows his brows and looks me over for injuries. He thinks that I don’t notice him doing it, but I do

“Why weren’t you answering the phone?” Sam looks worried and a little irritated. He takes a step towards me and I freeze up a little. However, I try to keep my cool.

“Ah, you know how it is.” I shrug, but wince when a flare of pain erupts from my back. _Dammit, please don’t notice it, Sam. Please don’t notice._ “Chicks and dudes dig me.” I smirk but it slowly fades form my face when I still see worry in Sammy’s eyes.

“Dean-.”

“Right here.” I snap slightly, gritting my teeth from the pain coursing through my body. Sam looks slightly surprised and offended at the tone I used. So, I start again. “What did you find out?” Despite the pain, I roll my shoulders, trying to play off my pain as stiff muscles.

“That old lady Madison is a cougar.” Sam cringes slightly. “You?”

“Ah, all I got is that the duded around here are dicks.” I say with a smirk, the continue with a more serious face and tone. “I don’t think that this is a haunting. Nothing screams ghost to me about what happened.”

_“God you’re the best one yet.”_

_“You dirty whore, you’re loving this.”_

“What happened?” Sam snaps me back to the present, I found myself looking away clenching my jaw.

“What?” My eyes snap to Sam, worry written all over his face and body language practically screaming it.

“Dean, you said something happened.” Sam takes another step closer and I, in return and uneasiness,  back into the wall without thinking. “Dean, are you okay?” Sam steps back to give me some room in the narrow alley. _Dammit, Dean. Why did you have to do that?_ I mentally berate myself.

“Dean.” Sam tries to get my attention. _Dammit, Sammy. Please just drop it. You don’t need to know what just happened in this alley._

“Yeah,” I try to play it cool despite how much I want to scream and cry. “Some guy in the bar said that this started about six months ago. Everything is specifically targeting gay bars, but it can’t be a haunting because it happens at different bars. It’s happened at several already.” I stretch a little and grind my teeth together to keep from yelping in pain when my clothes rub painfully on the concrete burns that are adorning my abdomen

“What could be doing it then?” Sam shakes his head in frustration.

“I don’t know, man.” I shrug and once again wince in pain.

“Are you sure you’re okay, Dean?” Sam looks at me strangely.

“Yeah.” I answer him as if he asked a stupidly obvious question.

“Dean, you keep-.”

“I’m fine, Sam.” I look him in the eye, hoping he lays off of me. “Let’s go find a motel for the night.” I turn and take a step towards the impala, Dad had to take a different vehicle because of where the hunt is, before realizing that this is going to hurt like hell, and I have a pretty damn obvious limp going on here.

“We can call Bobby in the morning.” Sam sighs and starts towards the impala in front of me. I follow him painfully, trying to mask my limp. _I’ll have to fall down some fucking stairs or something tomorrow to explain this crap._ Sam gets in and seconds later I’m getting in. I sit down as gently as I can _. I still hurt like a bitch… well given that someone made me their bitch it makes sense._ I turn the Impala on and start driving towards the motel I saw on the way to the bar.

“Dean, can you stop at that store?” Sam points to a store a little way ahead of us.

“Yeah.” I mutter and drive to it, pulling into the parking lot when it was _finally_ safe to do so. “Bring me some pie.” I order him

“Sure, yeah, yeah.” Sam gets out, closes the door, and goes inside.

“Okay.” I clear my throat. With Sam out of eyeshot I lean my head back and close my eyes, taking a few deep breaths. _Keep it together, Dean._ Tears fill my eyes as memories from earlier replay through my mind.

 

_“Hey, good looking.” A man with light brown hair sat at the bar counter next to me. “What’cha got cooking?”_

_“Hey.” I winked at him despite his cheesy entrance. I was only able to get into the bar because Dad left me some ID’s and insurance crap for Sam and me in case of emergency. He was not normally gone for that long, so I guess he had a good parenting moment._

_“You new around here?” He looked me in the eyes, and I looked back. He’s got some killer baby blues. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you before.” He looked me up and down._

_“You could say that.” I smirked._

_“Ooh, a mystery man.” He put his hand on my thigh._

_“Easy there.” I raised an eye brow. “I’m just about as mysterious as they come.” I flirted._

_“I like you.” He licked his lips and looked at mine for a moment. “Hey, can I get two beers over here?” He asked the bartender._

_“So.” I cleared my throat and turned so I could better face him. “What’s your name?”_

_“Allen.” His smile sat me off a little. Something doesn’t feel right here. He’s to… something… I don’t know what but he’s not quite right. “What about you, what’s your name?”_

_“Blake.” I lied. “Blake Smithson.”_

_“Well, Blake Smithson.” Allen raised an eyebrow playfully. “You wanna move to a booth?” I hesitated. Something doesn’t feel right with this. What the hell is wrong here? I decided to ignore my inner voice that was telling me to get the hell out of dodge._

_“If you promise not to bite.” I put a hand on his thigh with a sinking feeling about this evening. He chuckles and lead me to the booth. My stomach dropped as we got to the booth, it’s secluded and not going to be easy to just walk out of here. “Dammit, I forgot my beer.” I tried to think of a way to get out of here before we sit down._

_“Don’t worry.” He winked. “Grab a seat and I’ll grab our drinks.”_

_“Hehe, thanks…” I mumbled and sat down at the booth he motioned to. Dammit, now I have to stay._

_“You’re welcome.” He disappeared into the crowd and I let out a small sigh of relief. My phone started ringing so I picked it up and answered it, it was Sam._

_“Heya, Sammy.”_

_“Dean ,are you getting anywhere?” Sam cut straight to the point._

_“Yeah, just give me a little more time.” I looked at the clock on the wall. 9:30… not too bad._

_“Okay, I’m gonna switch spots. This one is mostly younger people and I’m not getting anywhere on information.”_

_“Okay, I think I got a source right here where I am.” I wiped a hand down my face. As much as I want to leave this place right now, the case comes before my wishes, needs, and desires._

_“Okay, I’ll meet you outside around 11:30.”_

_“Okay, bye, Sam.” I hung up just as Allen sat down with several beers. Damn that’s gotta be at least 12._

_“Who’s Sam?” He asks._

_“My sister.” I roll my eyes. “She thinks that she’s gotta check in every little bit.” Again, I lied.”_

_“Oh, she sounds annoying.” Allen hands me a drink._

_“Thanks, man.” I guzzle it down quickly._

_“You’re welcome.” He scooted closer to sit right up next to me._

_“So, uh, Allen?” I looked at him to make sure I got his name right._

_“Yeah, babe?” He licked his lips again._

_“You know anything about the people getting attacked outside of bars lately?” I shook my head feeling a little off._

_“Yeah, from what I’ve been told some dick is going around raping innocent people.” Allen shrugged and pushed another beer towards me, which gladly accepted and also guzzled down. “People keep talking like it’s some huge threat, babe, stuff like this happens all the time.”_

_“I heard people keep saying it was the ghost.” My head starts swimming._

_“Yeah.” Allen snorts. “Ghost my ass.”_

_“Anyone get attacked here?” I shook my head again._

_“You okay?” Allen touched my shoulder._

_“Yeah, just not holding my liquor as well as normal.”_

_“It happens.” Allen pushed me another beer._

_“Where the hell did all of these come from.” My head starts swimming even more, I was super dizzy, and confused. “What’s your last name?”_

_“Ghostt, Allen Ghostt.” Allen grins._

_“What?” I held my head in my hand, get out of the booth, and stand up quickly._

_“Here, let’s get you some air.” Allen lead me outside into the alley._

_As soon as we were in the alley, I started losing motor function and feeling really, really, off._

_“What did you do to me?” I collapsed onto the ground and try to fight Allen when he took my jacket off._

_“Shh.” Allen quickly puts me on my stomach and puts his boot clad foot on my back, pressing down hard to keep me from getting up. It hurts like hell and I try to keep from crying, but I lose that fight as well. “It’ll only hurt worse if you fight.”_

_“Don’t.” I begged, but Allen wouldn’t listen. He pulled my pants and boxers down around my ankles._

_“Please, don’t.” I pleaded as Allen got into position-_

“I got pie.” Sam opens the door and I jump. I quickly wipe the tears from my face and clear my throat.

“What kind?” I start he impala back up.

“Apple.” Sam doesn’t look at me when he gets in, he digs through the begs looking for something. I pull out of the parking lot and drive towards the motel. Hopefully I can get a good night’s sleep. However, somehow, I doubt that… the events from earlier are still weighing to heavily on my mind. One think for certain though. I’m taking a shower tonight.

 

 

(Motel around 4:30)

 

Sam’s sleeping, but I just can’t seem to get to sleep. My mind is running in circles, I’m scared out of my head. I don’t know how to fix this. Getting up, I decide to go to the bathroom and get that shower I wanted. When we got to the motel Sam insisted that we go through building records and books and crap. I grab my bag and go straight to the bathroom, closing the door gently behind me so I don’t wake up Sam.

_God, what have I done?_

I run a hand through my hair and feel tears in my eyes. This time there is no reason to hold them back. No one is here to see me cry. Not that I deserve to cry, I let this happen… so this is on me. Tears train down my cheeks and I fight not to let out a sob.

_Dammit, why didn’t I see that the Son of a bitch was trying to do?_

I look on the mirror and clench my jaws.

_What if Sam had of found me lying naked in that damn alley?_

I pull my shirt off hissings slightly as it grazes over the concrete burns on my stomach. I look at the burns.

_Damn they look pretty bed, I mean… not bad, bad… but bad._

I shake my head at my own stupidity and pick up the mirror that is lying on the counter. Turning so my back is facing the big mirror, I use the hand one to look at how bad my back is bruised.

_Damn, it’s bruised up something fierce. I can definitely tell it was that guys fucking shoe._

I carefully lay the mirror back down despite everything inside of me wanting to smash it into a million pieces. I slip my pants and boxers off to see how badly I’m bruised elsewhere. There are hand shaped bruised on my hips and a few on my thighs. My stomach churns at the sight of them.

_I know that I already hurt like hell all over, but damn… this doesn’t look good. How will I explain this? Not to mention that that fucker took my watch.  How the fuck am I going to get a new one without Dad realizing that I lost mine?_

I sigh and put my hands on the counter, leaning heavily on it with my head bowed to my chest.

_We’re calling Bobby in the morning, what if he finds out what I let happen? Granted I’ve been hurt before… mostly hunts or getting beat by dad, I always told him it was kids at school… but there is no damn monster out there that I can blame this on other than me. I should have known that Allen was trying to drug me. How could I be so damn stupid?_

I grind my teeth together and force myself to stand up straight.

“No one is gonna know about this.” Silently I order myself. “Not Sammy, not Bobby, no one.” _I may have screwed everything up royally for me… but I will go and rot in hell before I let this screw it up for them. This isn’t just another haunting or hunt. This is a freaking douche bag rapist… and now I’m one of his victims._

I turn the shower on and hop in, hissing as the hot water hits my stomach. _I’m gonna have to go get checked for an STD tomorrow._ My heart sinks. _What am I gonna do?_

As I silently sob, I start washing my skin gently, but it quickly turns into harsh scrubbing. I scrub harder, and harder, but I’m not feeling any cleaner than when I started. Somewhere inside I know that I’m clean, but I can’t get that part of me to connect with the other fucking part of me.

Finally, I sigh in frustration when the water  runs cold. _I’m not clean yet._ I get out none the less. It’s winter in Indiana for crying out loud. I can’t just stand in a cold shower.

I wipe condensation from the mirror and look at my reflection. My eyes are bloodshot from crying, and my skin is red from where I scrubbed it raw. I look in the mirror and hate what I see more than usual. I hate the bruises on my body. I hate how pathetic I look with bloodshot eyes and raw skin. I hate how filthy I feel. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it!

I slam my fist down on the counter with a mixture of feelings, only a few are identifiable. Anger, shame, guilt, worthlessness,  filth _. I feel like a dirty dog. No, wait, scratch that. Dogs can be cleaned, I’m ruined for life._

“Dean, you okay?” I hear Sam knocking on the bathroom door.

“Yeah, Sam.” I clear my throat.

“Are you sure?” Sam sounds wary.

“Yeah, I’m perfectly fine, Sammy.” I grip onto the counter again and let my head fall to my chest.

“Okay.”

I take a shuddering breath and squeeze my eyes shut. _Don’t tell Sam. Don’t let him know. Sammy can never know, never. _I straighten my shoulders and get dressed, wincing and hissing every now and hem when my clothes touch my stomach a little too much.

I stand looking at myself I the mirror once more. I plaster my signature smirk on my face and will myself not to cry. _There is nothing I can do for my bloodshot eyes, but I’m sure as hell not going to let Sammy know I was crying in the shower. I’m supposed to be strong… I’m supposed to be invincible…_

I take another deep breath before opening the bathroom door and going back to lie down. _It’s going to be a bitch to sleep with bruises on my back and concrete burns on my stomach. I’ll kill that bitch. If he was going to rape me, he could have at least made sure I didn’t have to suffer from concrete burns. Fucking Basterd. I need to keep in mind not to be shirtless for a while around anyone._

Sammy’s lying down and snoring loudly. I’m glad me got back to sleep.

I lie down on my side on my bed. I need to get some sleep. Bobby will be coming over tomorrow after Sam calls him. I close my eyes and slowly drift off to sleep. Hoping and praying that I won’t have any nightmares.

 

(Morning)

I woke up at around 7:20 because I heard something. Sitting up as quickly as I can I pull a gun only to see Sammy getting his bag to take a shower.

“Whoa, chill.” Sam puts his hands up. “It’s only me.”

“Sorry, Sammy.” I groan at the pressure on my backside. _Damn that hurts I’m not still bleeding, am I?_

“Dean, what the hell happened to you?” Sam rushes to my side.

“What?” I get fearful when Sammy towers over me.

“Dude, your skin is raw.”

“Oh, um.” I have no explanation.

“Dean.” Sam looks like he’s putting things together inside his head. “Did something happen last night?”

“What- no.” I sit up and cry out in pain when the skin on my stomach pulls.

“Dean, what happened to your stomach?” Sam reaches for my shirt and I grab his hand and twist it at an odd angle without thinking. “ouch, dammit, let go.”

“Dammit, I’m sorry, Sam.” I let him go and move as far away from him as I can.

“Dean, let me see.” Sam demands.

“Nah, I’m fine I slept weird last night.” I shrug and hiss when my back pulls painful. _Bruises don’t normally hurt this fucking bad. What the hell?_

“Dean.” Sam looks at me sternly. “Don’t make me use my mom voice.”

“You don’t even know what a mom voice it.” I snap harshly, instantly regretting it when I see the hurt flash on Sam’s face.

“No, all I have is yours and dad voices.” He grabs his bag and storms off to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

“Sammy, I’m sorry.” I yell after him but know that it’s too late. The damage is done. _Screw me. I’m always messing up. Dammit, why can’t I just say the right thing for once?_

“I already called Bobby. He’ll be here tomorrow.” Sam yells from the bathroom.

“Okay.” I sigh. _This is going to be a long day. I need to go fall down some stairs though._ “I’m gonna go out, okay, Sam?”

“Whatever.” Sam snaps.

“Okay.” I grab my bag and slip on some clean clothes before taking my keys and  getting in Baby to go to the hospital.

 

(Hospital)(it’s a small one and a small town, and not many people so he doesn’t have to wait long)

I walk through the entrance doors and feel uneasy. Marching up to the front desk, I decide to fake it til’ I make it.

“How can I help you?” The nurse, an elderly woman, asks me.

“Hey, sweetheart.” I force a smile, she smiles back. “I need to see a doctor when there’s time.”

“This isn’t a walk-in-clinic, I have to know why you need to see a doctor before I can find you one.” She says softly but makes sure I understand.

“Oh.” My face flushes red. “I was um…” I rub the back of my neck. “I had unprotected sex last night and need to get checked for… yeah, never mind.” I clear my throat and turn to walk out the door.

“Wait.” The woman stops me. I look back at her.

“Yeah?”

“I’ve seen enough people like you rush through here with the same excuse for seeing a doctor. I’ll get you one as soon as I can.” She has a knowing look on her face.

“Okay.” I look down slightly ashamed.

“I need to get your medical information.

“Okay.”

 

(later)

“Mr. Spears?” A nurse steps out and calls my “name”. Getting to my feet I limp over to her.

“How are you doing today?” She asks as she leads me back to an examination room.

“I’ve been better, sweetheart, you?” I smile at her.

“I’m fine thank you.” She smiles and gestures for me to enter the room.  Cautiously, I enter the room and look around. _Please let this be quick._

(Even later)

“It’s a miracle, really, but you don’t have any STD’s.” The doctor tells me.

“That’s good.” I smile weakly.

“I would like to run a rape kit with your permission.” The doctor looks at me.

“No use.” I shake my head. “Just unprotected sex, nothing to worry about.”

“Mr. Spears.” The doctor looks at me sternly. I get uncomfortable under his gaze.

“Yeah?” I clear my throat and shift awkwardly.

“When you had me look at your injuries there was and still isn’t any doubt in my mind that you were sexually assaulted.”

“Listen, Doc.” I lick my lips anxiously. “I already showered, so it’s not gonna do you any good.” I look at him. “I’ll pass on the whole… rape kit…” I clench my jaws.

“Mr. Spears, I understand that this is uncomfortable, but shouldn’t you at least report this attack?” The doctor tries to sway my answer.

“No, not in my line of work.” I smile sadly.

“Whatever you think is best.” The doctor shakes his head. “Would you like to get the numbers of some support groups, therapists, and other people who are specially trained in helping people recover from trauma?”

“Nah, I don’t think so.” I get up and wince at the pain radiating from my backside.

“Okay, I’ll give you a number to a therapist who specializes in helping survivors of sexual abuse recover.”

“Doc, really-“

“Just in case you change your mind.” The doctor writes a number down on a card and hands it to me.

“Thanks, doc.” I smile.

“Anytime. Should you experience any bleeding you need to come in immediately. I would suggest soup for a few weeks.”

“Okie Dokie.” I smile and after a few more suggestions and stuff I’m finally ready to leave… after paperwork… then I get to leave.

 

 

_Okay, now to find some stairs._

I drive to the library and go to the second story. I pick up a few books about local legends and other lore. As I start down the stairs, I ready myself, then halfway down I “trip” and fall the rest of the way down.

“Ouch, dammit.” I hiss.

“Oh my god.” A librarian rushes over to me. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure?” She helps me up.

“Yeah.” I groan favoring one leg.

“Is your leg alright?” She asks.

“Yeah.” I thank her and limp away.

_Mission accomplished. Stair have been used for falling._

(Motel)

“What took you so long?”

“Sorry, Sammy.” I limp in the door. “I got acquainted with the library stairs and floor.”

“Damn, you okay?” Sam shakes his head.

“I’m fine. I got you a salad.” I handed Sam a bag with a salad in it for Sam.

“Thanks, Dean.” Sam sighs.

“Yeah.” I go over to my bed and lie down on my stomach. I want to scream, but don’t because then Sammy would get suspicious.

“I’m gonna go to the library and research.” Sam leaves the room, taking my keys with him. I hear the engine to the impala fire up and drive away.

“Ouch.” I turn over onto my back and get up. Going over to the table I empty my pockets. The card with the number goes on the table with my receipts for gas and other things I’ve collected during the day. However, the medication the doctor had me get I decided to keep in my bag, so Sam doesn’t see it. He’d start asking questions if he found prescription pills in our room.

I lay back down and go to sleep quickly since I didn’t sleep very long last night.

 

 

(next day)

“Dean, Bobby’s here.” Sam looks exhausted.

“Okay.” I sit up and groan in pain.

“Dude, you kept talking in your sleep.” Sam looks irritated and concerned.

“Sorry, the chicks keep finding me in my sleep.” I chuckle but it feels like venom.

“You were calling for someone to help you, Dean.” Sam isn’t amused.

“Sorry?”

“Will one of you idjits let me in?” Bobby yells from outside.

“Yep.” I get up and limp over to the door, aware that Sam is watching me.

“Welcome to our humble abode.” I open the door and let  Bobby in.

“About time.” Bobby grumbles gruffly. _Bad mood, I guess?_

“Hey, Bobby.” Sam looks relieved.

“What is it that you boys need?” Bobby sits on the edge of my bed. I close the door and lock it, all of the locks.

“Well, we can’t figure out what’s going on here.” Sam sits on his bed facing Bobby. I limp and sit on my bed, the opposite end to Sam, but still facing Bobby.

“What the hell happened to you?” Bobby asks.

“Huh?” I look at him.

“You’re limping.” Bobby gets up and walks to the bed to sit next to me.

“Yeah, I fell.” I smirk. “Don’t try to walk down the stairs with too many books.”

“Uh-huh.” Bobby isn’t convinced but goes back over to my bed and sits.

“So, we thought it was a haunting because all the victims said they were attacked by a ghost.” Sam starts. My stomach starts to churn at the mention of the word ghost.

“What happened to them?” Bobby sighs. “Does your daddy know you’re hunting without him?”

“They were raped outside of bars, and no dad doesn’t know…  We were kind of hoping to keep it that way.”

“Just this once.” Bobby warns.

“Only gay bars, Sam.” I clear my throat. “Thanks Bobby.”

“Yeah, Dean got more information than I did.” Sam turns to me, waiting on me to speak what  had been told.

“So, uh, men are getting raped outside of gay bars by Ghostt, and the story is spreading but no one knows what the victims are talking about.” I start, swallowing nervously. “The exact words were ‘ _some dick is going around raping innocent people_ ’ and ‘ _stuff like this happens all the time_.’”

“Wait, you said that from what information you got spoke that there was no way in hell that it was a haunting.” Sam looks confused.

“Yeah, but this keeps jumping from one bar to the next.” I continue. “It’s happened at several.”

“How do you know that?” Sam is still sore about the mom comment from yesterday, so he snaps a little.

“Because I-“ Quickly, I bite my tongue. “My source.”

“Let me talk to your source, then we can ask them some more questions.” Sam glares.

“We can’t.” I shake my head.

“Why not?”

“Because they were only in town until that night.”

“I thought you said that they lived in town.”

“I did, they were moving that night.” My head spins from all the lies.

“Dean, you never said that they lived in town.” Sam once again looks worried. I stay silent, trying to think of some way out of this.

“Is there something you boys aren’t telling me?” Bobby looks confused.

“The morning after Dean got his ‘info’ I woke up to find him with his skin scrubbed raw.” Sam looks at me. “And I noticed the limp he has, he says he fell at the library.”

“I did!” I get angry and scared that they will find out how pathetic I am to have let myself get raped. “Go ask, I did fall.”

“Dean, why was your skin scrubbed raw?” Bobby pinches the bridge of his nose.

“What does this have to do with the case?” I get defensive.

“Just answer the damn question.” Bobby glares at me.

“It doesn’t matter.” I run a hand through my hair and feel tears pricking my eyes. _Why can’t they just drop the subject?_

“Dean, did something happen to make you _know_ that this isn’t a haunting?” Sam asks softly.

“What, no.” I remain defensive.

“Dean-.”Sam tries again.

“I’m taking a shower. You two talk about the hunt all you want, but there is no hunt.” I grab my bag and escape to the bathroom. Slamming the door shut, I lead against the door and let tears fall down my face.

_I’ve made a huge mess here. Now I gotta figure out how to clean it up._

I strip my clothes off and get into the shower. I wash my body and my hair, avoiding the tender spots on my body.

_How the hell am I going to fix this?_

I turn the water off, try off, and get dressed. Slowly I open the door, feeling guilty about being so rude to Bobby and Sam. I go out, drop my bag and sit back down on Sam’s bed facing Bobby. Sam and Bobby both look at me with the same expression. _A mixture of pity and uncomfortableness._

“Did someone rape you, Dean?” Bobby asks. I freeze, unable to respond _._

_I know that what happened was my fault… I should just own up to it… but I can’t tell them._

“What, no.” I shake my head.

“Dean, I found your card.” Sam looks like he’s going to cry.

“What card?” I play dumb.

“Dean, the one for a trauma specialist.” Sam snaps. “Ms. Greenway who specializes in helping victims of rape recover.” My blood runs cold.

“Sammy, please.” I shake my head, tears are filling my eyes and falling down Sam’s face.

“Dean, we called the number, and we know what it is for.” Bobby looks at me.

“Guys, nothing happened.” I raise my voice, now I’m irritated.

Bobby comes over and sits next to me, I shift anxiously. He puts his hand on my back.

“What happened to your back?”

“I fell down the fucking stairs.” I refuse to meet his eye.

“Let me see.”

“Why?”

“Dean, just let me look.” Bobby says gently. I get up and turn to face them.

“You wanna see my freakin back?”

“Yeah.” Sam still has tears rolling down his face. I try not to look  at him or Bobby.

“Why?”

“I want to make sure you’re okay.” Bobby answers. When I don’t respond Bobby gets up and comes around behind me. I stay where I am, knowing that there is nothing I can do now. Bobby pulls the back of my shirt up and I screw my eyes shut trying to stop the tears that are now falling from my eyes.

“Dean.” Bobby breaths. “What the hell…”

“It’s nothing.” I try to assure him in a strong voice.

“Balls! You have a shoe print on your back.” Bobby scolds me, then continues softer. “Are you hurt anywhere else?”

“His stomach.” Sam interjects. “He keeps hissing when anything touches his stomach.

“Traitor.” I grumble at Sam. “To think I bought you a salad.”

“Let me see.” Bobby steps in front of me and lifts my shirt to see.

“Dammit, why , Dean?” Sam jumps to his feet at the sight of my stomach. I avoid looking at them.

“It’s nothing.” I try to shrug.

“Dean, are you sure that no one raped you?” Bobby asks, already knowing the answer despite asking the question.

“Okay, fine.” I finally give in angrily. “So, some dick raped me, what does it matter?”

“Dean, why didn’t you tell me?” Sam is hurt.

“Because it was my fault, dammit.” I yell. “It was my fault.” I clench and unclench my jaw.

“Who was it?” Bobby speaks first after almost a minute of silence.

“Allen Ghostt.” I ball my hands into fists. “I should have known what that Basterd was trying to do.” I shake my head.

“Hey, this isn’t your fault.” Sam touches my shoulder. I look at him unconvinced.

“You weren’t there, Sam. He bought our drinks and brought them to the table. Rapist 101 I couldn’t see him with the drinks when he was at the bar. I should have known after the firsts beer when I was feeling weird that he had drugged me. I should have known, Sam. I knew that something didn’t feel right, but dammit I didn’t listen to my instincts and get out of there.” I choke on a sob and turn my back to them.

“Dean, none of this is  your fault.” Sam and Bobby told me.

“Yeah.” I scoff. “None of it.” _Sarcasm isn’t helping this situation, but it isn’t hurting it._

“Don’t worry, we’ll get him.” Sam assured me.

“I don’t want you anywhere near him.” I spin around to face Sam. “You stay away from him.”

“He raped you, Dean. Don’t you want some revenge?”

“Yeah, but not with you in the cross fire.” I yell. Sam and I glare at each other until Bobby speaks up.

“I’m gonna stay here with you boys tonight.” Bobby changes the subject. _He’s only staying because I fucked up and got fucked. He doesn’t want to stay, he’s staying because he thinks I’m such a pathetic pitiful hunter that couldn’t protect myself so I can’t protect me brother._

“Thanks Bobby.” Sam looks away first.

“Yeah, thanks.” I say sarcastically. _I don’t need a babysitter. I’m fine._

 

(morning)

Ever since Sam found out he’s been treating me so gently. It makes me sick. Bobby keeps checking on me. It makes me feel stupid and helpless.

“I’m fine.” I declare as I try to find some clothes to wear.

“Dean, we know you’re not okay.” Sam crosses his arms. I roll my eyes and pull out a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. Unfortunately, my bottle of pills falls out and both Sam and Bobby see it.

“What are those?” Sam grabs them before I can hide them.

“It’s nothing.” I reach to get them from him, but he tosses them to Bobby before I can get them from him.

“What is it, Bobby?” Sam asks.

“It’s medicine to help Dean fight off infections and heal up.” Bobby tosses the bottle to me.

“Thanks.” I feel so violated _. They keep insisting on knowing exactly what I do. It’s not fair, I never go through Bobby’s stuff. Why does he want to go through mine? Well, he doesn’t really go through it, he just kind of demands to know what it is… with his eyes… I am so pathetic._

“What are you gonna tell Dad?” Sam turns to Bobby.

“That depends on what Dean wants to tell him.”

“Great.” I smirk. “If Sam can keep his mouth shut, we’ll be home free.”

“I think we should tell Dad.” Sam protests.

“No way in hell.” I shudder at the thought of what dad would do to me if he knew what happened.

“Why not?” Sam crosses his arms, Bobby watches the exchange quietly.

“Because we would have to tell dad we went on a hunt without him or his approval.” I glare at Sam hoping he’ll understand that it would end badly.

“But dad needs to know that someone raped you.”

“No, he doesn’t.” I throw my clothes down harshly on the top of my bag.

“Dean-.”

“No one is telling dad.” I close my eyes.

“Sam, go get some food for us.” Bobby finally speaks up.

“Okay, Bobby.” Sam keeps his eyes on me until he’s out the door. The door slams behind him.

“Well, that went well.” I half chuckle.

“Dean, I know that you don’t want to tell your daddy what happened, and I agree with you.”

“Well, that’s nice.” Sarcasm seeps from my words.

“Dean, I know that your daddy can be a jerk-“

“No, dad isn’t a jerk.” I shake my head in disagreement.

“Will you let me finish, boy?”

“Yeah.” I whisper and drop my head slightly.

“Your daddy _is_ a jerk at _times,_ but there is no doubt in my mind that he loves you boys.” Bobby watches me carefully. “If you decide to tell him-“

“I won’t.” I clench my jaw. “He’s never gonna know unless Sam decides to open his big mouth.”

“Okay.” Bobby sighs. “If you boys every need anything, or to get away for a little while, you can always call me to come get you.”

“Thanks, Bobby.” I smile and try to look grateful. _I am grateful, but if I just up and call Bobby to come and get us than Dad is going to know something’s up._

“Dean, we’re leaving tomorrow.”

“What?” I’m confused.

“I’m taking you boys back to the house with me.”

“Why?”

“You don’t need to be alone in this town, and your daddy’s not going to be back for a while. Besides, you’d rest better at my house.”

“I have dad’s car though.”

“We can leave it in a parking lot where he told you boys to meet him.”

“How did you-“

“That’s how your dad works. I’ll call him and tell  him you boys got sick and I took you home with me.”

“It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, Bobby… but dad is gonna know it’s a lie.” I shake my head and take a deep breath.

“Not if we play it right.”

“What am I gonna tell him when he asks me about it?” I stiffen a little thinking about what he’s gonna do to me when he finds out that Bobby had to come and get us.

“I’ll take care of that.” Bobby puts a hand on my shoulder. “Trust me, we need to get you out of here. I’ll call pastor Jim and he’ll come down here to help get the car where it belongs and get you boys to my house.”

“No need in calling him-“

“He’ll be more than happy to help.”

“Bobby-“

“I’ve already made up my mind, boy.” Bobby stands firm in his decision.

“We can’t leave here, or Dad will be pissed.” I try harder to change his mind.

“I’ll take care of it.” Bobby reassures me.

“I-“ The sound of the Impala pulling up shuts me up. Moments later Sam comes through the door with food for all of us.

“I got some chili for us.” Sam shrugs his jacket off after he sets the food down on my bed.

“Sam, what do you think about you and Dean coming to stay with me til’ you daddy gets back?” Bobby turns to Sam. My eyes go wide. _Sam will love this idea, but we can’t do it. Dad will be pissed._

“Sounds great!” Sam looks so happy.

“It’s settles then.” Bobby turns to me. “I’ll call pastor Jim and he’ll be here in the morning.”

“Fine.” I surrender.

“Great, now let’s eat.”

 

 

 

(One week later)

_I wonder how much it would hurt to blow my brains out. I mean, it can’t hurt bad when you die so quickly. I guess the hard part would be actually convincing yourself to pull the trigger._

I’m lying in bed, listening to the sounds of Bobby’s house. My mind wanders back to when Pastor Jim arrived at the motel.

_“Hey, Pastor Jim.” Sam greeted him as he opens the door._

_“Hey, Sam. Bobby said that he needs to speak to me.” Pastor Jim smiles. I groaned from my bed, being the closest to the door had its down side._

_“Come on in.” Sam opened the door wide enough for Pastor Jim to get in._

_“Is Dean okay?” He looked at me. I half glared at him. I ended up sleeping without a shirt that night because Bobby bandaged my stomach and my shirt kept messing the bandages up. I couldn’t  get out of bed without Pastor Jim seeing the bandages or the bruises._

_“Not really.” Sam sighed._

_“I’m fine.” I threw back._

_“Okay.” Pastor Jim shook his head. “Where is Bobby?”_

_“Right here.” Bobby walked out of the bathroom. “We need to talk.”_

_“Okay, what’s wrong?” Pastor Jim sat on the edge of my bed and Bobby sat on the edge of Sam’s bed. They were facing each other. I shifted anxiously at having Pastor Jim towering over me like he is but tried not to show it._

_“Dean, why don’t you go get dressed.” Bobby looked at me, he was not asking._

_“Fine.” I flushed a little red with embarrassment, but I get up, I  ignored Pastor Jim’s shocked gasp at seeing the injuries on my upper body, took my bag, and limped to the bathroom to get dressed._

_“What happened to Dean?” I listened from the bathroom. It sounded like Pastor Jim’s voice._

_“He was raped a few nights ago.” Sam sighed, I knew that voice anywhere._

_“I need your help.” That had to be Bobby._

_“Name it.” Pastor Jim sounded determined._

_“I need you to take Sam and Dean to my house and stay with them until I get there.” (Bobby)_

_“Why, what are you going to do?” (Pastor Jim)_

_“I need to get John’s car to the meeting place and it’s going to take a little while to find it.” (Bobby)_

_“Okay, you’re not planning on…” (Pastor Jim)_

_“Jim, would I ask you to do this if I were?” (Bobby)_

_“Okay, I’ll take them to  your house.” (Pastor Jim)_

_“Sam, go start loading your stuff in Pastor Jim’s car.” (Bobby)_

_“Okay, Bobby” (Sam) I heard the door shut._

_“Is there anything I need to know about… Dean.” (Pastor Jim)_

_“He thinks that this is his fault, so tread carefully on that subject.” (Bobby)_

_“How are you going to get back to your car if you’re taking John’s?” (Pastor Jim)_

_“I’ll figure that out, you just take care of my boys.” (Bobby) I was confused, his boys? Does Bobby really care that much about us? I quickly finished getting dressed and exited the bathroom._

_“Dean, you ready to go?” Pastor Jim looked at me sadly._

_“Yeah, just do me a favor.” I double checked that everything other than my bag was out of the room._

_“Name it.”_

_“Don’t look at me like that.”_

_“Like what?” Pastor Jim looked confused._

_“Like I’m some fragile little something that’s almost broken. I don’t want your pity or anyone else’s.”_

_“Dean.“ Bobby snapped._

_“It’s alright, Bobby.” Pastor Jim waved him off. “I get it. You’re scared and your hurting, Dean. You think that this is your fault. Did you rape anyone?”_

_“What- no!” I felt sick at the thought of ever forcing myself on someone._

_“Then why think that this is your fault?” Pastor Jim reasoned._

_“You weren’t there.” I shook my head. “You wouldn’t understand.” I took my bag and limp my way to the door._

_“Dean, we’re both here if you want to talk.” Pastor Jim said right before I slam the door._

I open my eyes and look around my room. It’s amazing how many things that are mine are actually here in this room. I have some clothes in here, a comic book or two that Dad didn’t burn. A few toy soldiers from when I was a kid. I’m 21 years old now, I shouldn’t even still have toys… but for some reason I just can’t seem to convince myself to get rid of them.

“Dean?” I hear a knock on my door. I haven’t left my room yet today.

“Yeah?”

“I made breakfast.” Bobby tells me through the door,

“Okay, be down in a minute.” I listen for him to walk away before I move. I’ve been listening to things more carefully that I normally do. I listen for footsteps in the hall, I listen for Sammy… I listen for anyone trying to get into my room… Sam has his own room, so I check on him from time to time during the night. Normally he’s sleeping soundly, every now and then he’s awake. When he’s awake he’s normally reading. I know that he’s missing school because of me, and that makes me feel like trash. I wish that there was something I could do to make things better for him.

I get out of bed and slip some shoes on my feet. I’ve started sleeping in normal everyday clothes again instead of PJ’s or boxers. My back is healing up and my stomach isn’t hurting so much. I’m just waiting on Dad to get here and change all that. I know that there is a beating coming that will make even breathing living hell.

Cautiously I exit the room and go down stairs into the kitchen. Bobby makes great food and I am actually excited about eating today. Yesterday I got sick at the thought of eating, but yesterday I was also worried that Dad was coming home sooner than he is. He called last night to say it’s going to be about two weeks before he comes back. I’m super grateful for that.

I sit down at the table and Bobby, Sammy, and I eat our food.

 

 

(years later)

“Sweet home Indiana.” I say sarcastically.

“Dean, I thought it was sweet home _Alabama_?” Castiel sounds confused.

“It is, Cas.” I clear my throat. Sammy’s riding shotgun and knows exactly why I’m so uneasy. We’re in Indiana, that’s sucks enough… but we’re in the same town that I was raped in when I was 21. Hell, of a way to start out adulthood.

“What do you think this hunt is?” I ask Cas for once.

“Maybe a haunting.” He shrugs. I clench my jaw.

“Why is that?”

“People keep claiming to have seen a ghost.”

“Do they now?” I force a smirk. “Well, we’ll just have to wait and see what this is all about.”

I pull into a motel parking lot, luckily, it’s not the same motel that we stayed in all those years ago.

“Sammy, get us a room please.” I lean my head back and fight off bad memories of this town.

“Dean, why do you hate this town?” (Castiel)

“Long story for another day, babe.” I chuckle.

Sam comes back out after a few minutes and has a key to a room. He gets back in and I drive over and park in front of the room.

“Alright, let’s get theses bags out and take a little nap.” (Me)

“Dean, we should be getting information about the hunt instead of sleeping.” Castiel points out.

“Yeah, but we do need to get some sleep, Cas. Especially Dean-.” I elbow Sam to remind him to stay quiet.

“Why especially Dean?” Castiel becomes suspicious.

“Cause I’ve been driving while you guys have been sleeping your asses off.” I get out and get the bags from the trunk.

“Okay.” Sam and Cas join me and together the three of us go into the room.

 

(The next night)

“There is no way in hell that this is a haunting.” I close the book on local lore.

“Dean did something happen to-“ Sam looks scared for a second.

“Dammit, Sam.” I pinch the bridge on my nose. “No, nothing happened.”

“Dean, why are you so angry with Sam?” Castiel tilts his head in confusion.

“Cas, it’s a long story and we need to figure this out quickly.” I get up and stretch. “I wish we could just call Bobby.”

“Yeah.” Sam whispers wistfully.

“We should look for information at bars.” Cas declares.

“No, I don’t want either of you near a bar in this town so help me god if I find out-“

“Dean, calm down.” Sam interrupts.

“No, Sam. We need to move on. They keep claiming it’s Ghostt, and no one knows that it’s just that fuckers last name.” I say to much and wish I could take it all back.”

“Who is Ghostt?” Cas steps between Sam and me.

“No one, he’s no one, Cas.” I wipe a hand down my face and feel exhausted.

“Dean, he’s gonna find out sooner or later.” Sam looks at me hoping I’ll come clean and tell Cas the truth.

“Cas, it was a long time ago and he is probably dead.” I shrug it off.

“What did he do?” Castiel becomes protective.

“Nothing-“ “He raped dean.” Sam interrupts me again.

“Dammit, Sam.” I yell.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were raped, Dean?” Castiel looks hurt.

“Dammit, it was a long time ago.” I run a hand through my hair. “Just drop it.”

“No, tell me everything.” Cas refuses to back down.

“You wanna know what happened? Fine.” I grab a beer from the table and open it. As soon as I look at it, I set it back down feeling sick at the memories flooding my mind.

“Dean, please tell me what happened.” Castiel begs.

“So, the fucker raped me, no big deal.” I shake my head and sit down. “It was my fault anyway.”

“Dean-“ Cas starts.

“If you wanna hear this you better not stop me.” I glare at him. Cas swallows and nods for me to go on.

“I got to the bar and this guy can up to me, bought me a drink and got a little handsy. We moved to a booth and he kept giving me drinks, he bought all of them and I couldn’t see him the whole time with them.” I close my eyes and take a shaky breath not wanting to say any of this. “He drugged me and got me in the alley.” Sam looks sick and Cas looks shocked. “He stripped me and fucked the living daylights out of me. I couldn’t walk right for weeks.” I chuckle darkly.

“Why didn’t you tell me, Dean?” I can’t identify the expression on Castiel’s face.

“No reason.” I shrug.

“All the times that we-“ Cas breaths sharply. “What if I had of triggered you?”

“Like I said, long time ago.” I clench and unclench my jaw.

“What if it’s the same man that raped you that if doing it now?” Sam shudders. I shake my head.

“I don’t know.”

“Let’s go together and check it out.” Sam suggests.

“I don’t want you guys there.”

“Dean, we’re not letting you go alone this time.” Sam stands firm.

“Fine, but you don’t leave my sigh. Same to you, Cas.”

“I understand, Dean.” Cas agrees.

“It’s settled, we leave in about an hour.”

 

(At the bar)

I keep looking over my shoulder. I know that he’s here somewhere. We have to kill this Basterd before he hurts anyone else. Men keep hitting on Cas, I can’t blame them really. But, he’s mine. I know that Cas is loyal to me, but I worry that he’s gonna see someone who is better for him and leave me. Anyone is better than me really… I just hope that one day I’ll be good enough for Cas. Should he ever want to leave me, I’ll accept that… but it’ll hurt worse that all my time in hell. He’s my life. Castiel is the reason that I get up in the morning, he’s the reason that I haven’t killed myself. He’s my will to live. He’s my everything. I can’t let anyone hurt him. I’d rather kill myself than let anyone ever hurt him.

I watch Castiel talking to a man with blue hair and fell a little jealous. Then I see him. Allen Ghostt. He’s approaching me, and I’m scared stiff.

“Hey, Blake.” He winks at me and slides into the booth next to me.

“Hey, Allen.” I say as calmly as I ca, but I can feel my heart pounding in my chest.

“So, you skipped town after our last meeting.” He lifts a hand to touch my face and I flinch. “Hey, don’t be scared, baby.” He coos.

“I’m not scared, I just haven’t seen you for years.” I try to be cool.

“Really?” He tuts. “Why don’t I grab us a drink?” He gets up and goes to the bar, I’m sweating. _Sam, I have to signal Sam._ I pull out my phone and text Sam ‘101’. He’ll understand what I mean.

“I’m back.” Allen sits down and hands me a beer. I pick it up and pretend to take a drink out of it.

“Why don’t we take this to the alley?” I wink and feel him up as much has it sickens me to touch the son of a bitch.

“Of course.” He licks his lips and we go outside to the alley… the same one that we were in all those years ago.

In the alley Sam and Cas are waiting just in case I’m overpowered. The plan is that if I’m not back in 15 than they go in the alley no matter what. We all agreed that we need a confession before we can kill him, but after that we can kill him. No questions asked.

“So, what you doing these days?” I ask, trying to act a little tipsy.

“Oh, you know. Same as usual.” He smirks and puts a hand on my arm.

“You mean raping innocent people?” I glare.

“Nah, you know firsthand that you said yes.” He smirks.

“What?” I feel shocked and repulsed.

“You didn’t say no.” He licks his lips again.

“I fucking told you not to. I begged you not to rape me.” I feel tears in my eyes.

“You didn’t fight.” He shrugs.

“I had bruises all over my damn body from where you held me down until I stopped fighting.”

“You stopped fighting though, didn’t you?”

“You gave me a date rape drug you son of a bitch.” A tear rolls down my cheek.

“Ah, Blake. Beautiful as ever, and so naïve.” He touches my face and gives me a kiss on the lips.

“Get off me.” I gasp and feel like vomiting.

“Why?” He pushes me up against the wall. “I thought we were having fun?”

“Get off you-“ I’m cut off by Allen’s lips crashing into mine. I struggle to fight him off of me, but he’s to strong and has the advantage of high. He’s almost as tall as Sammy, and just as strong. Allen moans and starts undoing his belt with one hand while the other hand has my wrists pinned above my head.

He breaks off the kiss and hand handles me so my back if facing him and my face is pressed against the wall.

“No, No, No!” I thrash, but he keeps me pinned.

“Shut up you whore.” He growls in my ear and pulls my pants down.

“Stop, Sam, Cas!” I scream, he knocks my head into the wall.

“Shut up or it’ll hurt more.” He grips my arm tightly.

“SAM!” I scream louder. With one swift motion he knocks my head into the wall again and everything goes black.

 

I jump awake with a scream, sitting up fear coursing through me.

“SAM, CAS!”

“Dean.” I hear Cas breathe a sigh of relief next to me. I turn to look at him and then I feel it. Pain, and lots of it.

“What happened?” I cough.

“I’m sorry, Dean.” Cas sobs softly.

“What happened.” I start getting scared. I have a pretty good idea what that Basterd did. “Did he…”

“I’m sorry, Dean. We didn’t get to you in time.” Cas hold my hand tightly. I close my eyes and lay back down on the bed.

“Where’s Sam?” I my voice breaks.

“Burning the body.”

“You guys killed him?” I grit my teeth.

“He’ll never hurt you again.”

“Cas—” My voice catches in my throat and tears stream down my face. I open my eyes to look at him. “I understand if you wanna… you know… leave.” I break off in a half sob. _God, I don’t want to lose him._

“Why would I want to leave?” Cas looks heartbroken.

“Cause I let him do it again.” I curse at myself and continue. “You know… fool me one shame on you, fool me twice shame on me…” I give Cas a little half smile through tears.

“Dean…” Cas lets my hand go and steps away in what I assume is disgust with me. I don’t blame him.

“Cas, it’s okay. I’m not gonna stop you. You’ve always deserved better than me… and I want you to be happy.”

_Dammit. I’m a sick monster to have let this happen again. If only I had of waited to engage…  maybe Cas wouldn’t want to leave. I understand why he wants to leave. He deserves so much better than me. He’s an angel for Christ’s sake!_

“Dean, I don’t want anyone other than you.” Cas wails.

“What’s going on?” Sam walks in covered in blood and mud.

“Heya, Sammy.” I wipe the tears from my face, but it’s too late Sam already saw them.

“Dean, how you feel?” Sam comes and sits on the edge of my bed.

“Like I just got my head smashed into a wall.” I joke but see that Sam doesn’t think it’s funny.

“Dean, can I heal you?” Cas asks anxiously.

“Nah, I’m fine.”  I try to sit up but stop when I feel something inside of me pull. My face goes pale for a second because it scared me.

“Dean, what do you remember?” Sam shifts awkwardly.

“I remember going out there, he threw me against the wall and started stripping me. I fought back and he knocked me out.” I answer honestly.

“I think you need to go to the hospital.” Sam says. “If you won’t let Cas heal you than you need to go.”

“Fine, fine.” I force myself to sit up, Then I see the cuts on my body. “What the hell?”

“He cut you… a lot…” Sam refuses to look me in the eye,

“What are you not telling me, Sammy?” I get worried. “I hurt like hell all over, so I don’t know what exactly is hurt.”

“He-“ Sam starts but Castiel cuts him off.

“You have several words carved into your back… along with two sets of numbers.”

“What?” I get out of bed but fall to the ground with a thud when my legs refuse to support me.

“Dean!” Sam helps me up.

“I’m fine.” I try to stand on my own but find that I’m having a hard time because of all the _fucking pain_.

“Cas go start the Impala. I’ll get Dean dressed and help him out there.” Sam throws the keys to Cas, who nods and goes outside.

“Come on, let’s get you dressed.” Sam reaches for my bag.

 

(at the hospital)

“Heya, sweetheart.” I greet the nurse at the front desk. Sam is pushing me in a wheelchair because he thinks that I can’t handle walking inside. I, of course, told him I’m fine. Secretly I’m glad that he is pushing me because I don’t think that I could have actually walked.

“Hi, what can I help you with?” The nurse asks.

“Well, you see…” Sam talks to the nurse and I zone out. _Why is it so freakin cold in here?_ I shiver. _I’ll be fine. Just a quick STD check and I’ll be good to go._ I jump when I feel something warm being draped over me.

“What the hell?” I gasp.

“Hey, it’s okay.” Sam crouches next to me. “We think you’re going into shock, so they grabbed you a blanket.”

“I’m fine, Sammy.” I protest but keep the blanket. I look up at Cas, who has been oddly quiet ever since I woke up.

“Okay, they’re taking you back now.” Sam tells me.

“Wait, Cas?” I call as a nurse takes the wheelchair from Sam and starts rolling me away. “Cas!”

“I’ll be waiting for you, Dean.” Cas reassures me.

The nurse keeps rolling me until we get to an exam room.

“Is that you boyfriend?” The nurse asks.

“What?” I look at her.

“The one with black hair, blue eyes. Is that your boyfriend?” She asks again.

“Yeah, he’s one in a million.” I frown when I think about Cas leaving me.

“Okay, I’m gonna need you to put this on and I’ll be back in a minute with the doctor.”

“Okay, thanks.” I mumble as the shuts the door.

_God, please don’t let Cas hate me for letting this happen._

 

(Later)

So, ironically enough I am seeing the same doctor I saw all those years ago.

“So, why do you have a different name now?” he asks after the exam.

“Abusive dad, I changed it.” I half lie.

“I see.” The doctor nods. “You need some stitches, you are actually very lucky you suffer only minor injuries from what your brother told the nurses.”

“Yeah, what can I say?” I smirk. “I’m a danger magnet.”

“So, I noticed.” The doctor frowns. “I’m prescribing you some medicine that will help you heal, and it will help you fight off infection. Just like last time.”

“Thanks, man.” I smile.

“I would like to keep you here overnight this time, you suffered a very bad concussion and I would like to keep an eye on you.”

“Sure thing.”

“Alright, I’ll have one of the nurses to find you a room and alert your family about it.”

“Thank you.”

 

(next day after checkout)

“Look, I’m fine guys.” I roll my eyes as we pull into the motel to get out stuff.

“Dean, you were raped.” I flinch when Sam points that out.

“Yeah, but it’s happened before so I’ll be fine.” We get out and I limp to the trunk.

“Please, let me get the bags.” Cas looks at me like I’m a baby.

“I’m fine.” I open the trunk, get my bag and go to the motel door.

“Dean, you’re not fine.” Cas argues.

“I’m fine.” I open the door and slam it behind me. _I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine._

The truth is, I’m far from fine… but I can’t tell them that. I don’t want Cas to heal me because I deserve the pain. I can’t tell any of this to Sam or Cas because they will think that I need to talk about what happened. And I don’t. I’m fine and I’ll make it through this. **Alone**.

 

(a month later)

“See?” I point to my back. “All healed.”

“But I could have heaved it for you.” Castiel is still babying me.

“I didn’t want you to. I’m okay, the Basterd is dead, and everyone got an ice cream.”

“Dean, no one got ice cream-“

“It’s a figure of speech, Cas.” I sigh and lay down on our bed. _This is harder than it was last time. I at least knew that if I screwed up and let it slip that I was raped dad would beat the shit out of me, now if I let my feelings about being raped slip, I’ll get a hug, listening ear, and a shoulder to cry on. Not that I’m complaining, I love Cas, and I love Sam. They are always ready to listen… but I need some space. I’ll be fine, it’s just taking a while. Cas and I haven’t been intimate since it happened. I can’t blame him though, who would want to have sex with this after I let that fucker have me… twice._

“Dean, why would you ever think that?” Cas gawks.

“Huh?” I look at the baffled angel.

“Why do you think that I wouldn’t still want to have sex with you after what happened?”

“Cause I’m filthy.”

“Dean, I love you.” Cas lays down next to me, facing me. “And I am trying to give you space to heal.”

“I am healed, no more limp. No more cuts.” I point out.

“No.” Cas touches my forehead gently. “Heal in here.”

“Cas—” I bite my tongue and tears fill my eyes. _Shit. Don’t spill your guts to him just because he says he loves you. People say lots of things, there is no way he can love you after what you let happen._

“Dean, I assure you that I’m not just saying this. I love you. I rebelled for you.” Cas looks heartbroken.

“Why?” A choke on a sob. “All I’ve ever done is screwed things up… I’m a monster.” I close my eyes.

“Dean you are not a monster.” Cas touches my cheek gently. “You are flawed, yes. But you are so much more than a flaw. You are like the sun. You brighten up even my darkest hours. You have always been there when I needed you most.”

“I’ve been a dick to you.” I refuse to believe him.

“Everyone has their bad days. But that doesn’t mean that I stop loving you.

“Cas—” I try to figure out what to say. _God, I love him… but I don’t want to lose him._

“Dean, you are in no danger of losing me, ever.”

“Cas.” I smile though the tears streaming down my face. “Have I ever told you that I love you?”

“Not always in so many words, but it is often implied.”

I scoot closer to Cas.

“Cas, would it be okay if…” I stop and look at him.

“Of course.” He reaches out to hold me. I close my eyes and melt into his embrace, letting all the tears fall as Cas just holds me.

“Dean, I promise to never leave your side.” Cas whispers as I drift off to sleep.

Before I am fully asleep a thought decides to make itself known.

_Maybe, just maybe… one day everything will be alright._

**Author's Note:**

> If I made any terrible errors please let me know.


End file.
